Dear J

You carry your aching body bearing a radiant smile. 

As if your happiness has already reached its climax but please sit and listen for a while. 

This one’s for you J. This one’s for you. 

You perform masculinity on an everyday basis 

But I truly don’t know what it would take for you to face this 

Spitting out the N word to whoever would hear it 

even when I know subconsciously you fear it

You emasculate the first man to challenge you in this hyper masculine space

because your greatest fear, is the fear of being a disgrace. 

Where the f word circulates more fluidly than an “I love you” Where tenderness has got to be hidden 

Where your facade must be preserved at all costs because being gay is forbidden 

Where your worth is equated to virility 

but J, don’t be scared. just know, you can be real with me. 

Other men find pride in putting on these masks: terrified of being laughed at

And you, you internalize all of this and you? You understand that 

so you call any guy a bitch and any girl a bitch to affirm your masculinity 

When all I’m asking, once again J, Please just be real with me. 

You try to minimize the gap between your sexuality and theirs 

your sexuality and theirs

yours and theirs

And that’s **

not fair. 

And I know your secret

Because I felt your gaze the first day you saw me change my shirt 

When it took every part of you to try not to flirt 

and I feel myself speculating about you 

and I have no right to

because your existence is not up for my speculation.

I just hate that you feel forced to put on this presentation. 

You talk trash about these men, constantly involved in their business, you tell me their stories without telling me yours 

And they don’t know anything about your universe 

Your hopes and your dreams, or your parent’s divorce. 

your lifestyle becomes your only pride 

And I see you posting and posting and posting 

posing and posing and posing

Posing in outfits that are costing you more than money

hiding behind your humor, oh that J? He’s funny! 

simultaneously disguising you and defining you 

Getting those virtual likes 

while you cover up your pain by getting in fights

Just like in one of those songs that you’d play loud in your fancy car

to quiet your thoughts, when they travel too far

Too far from what you think is right 

But J, none of life is black and white. 

You turn up the volume on the songs that we have heard over and over 

The songs that dictate our existence

how to walk

how to talk 

how to be

how to breathe

And I know that you can be happy

I hope you believe in a better world

because I do 

My brother from another. 

A world where nobody has a right to tell you who to touch, and who to love 

So please stop praying to be different to this god up above

because you’re here. You’re now. you’re alive in your skin

and you should be allowed to love the skin that you’re in. 

Your life is yours and respected 

Those who can’t accept you, deserve to be rejected

Because anyone who loves you will accept you and anyone who accepts you

will support you 

I hope you believe me when I say this, it’s true. 

I will use all the strength I have to love and protect you. 

America Poèmes

Martin Tout Terrain View All →

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